The Tenor's A Jerk
Humour By Daniel Lawlor <
(Utility Tenor)

Scene in Ten Acts with a Prologue, and (if Patience merits) an Epilogue:
The Tenor's a Jerk
In most Opera works
He screamingly sings in High "C"
Serenading some girl
He gets caught in the whirl
And ends up: a "Once-Used-To-Be"
Just look at these guys
Who Dumb or Un-Wise
Clutch their Soprano to arms
They scream and they rant
And hike up their pants
And yell out with noise and Alarums.
Act One: Carmen:
Just see Don Jose
Who's held in the sway
Of Carmen's decolletage
His career he un-hands
To join Gypsy bands
And ends up a Killer-at-Large.
Act Two: Butterfly
And take Pinkerton
Whose "Trouble"-some son
Gets Butterfly deep in the soup
He goes back once more
To that Japanese shore
To find her with wings dying-drooped.
Act Three:
And to his last breath
Rhadames, true-to-death
Should have made sweet Amneris his bride
A throne if he wished
In exchange for a kiss
Yet entombed with Aida- He died!
Act Four- Boheme
Rodolfo-he writes
And goes out late at night
With consumptive sweet Mimi-his love
Yet to part in the Spring
They both joyously sing
But she goes to the Angels above.
Act Five: Traviata
And Alfredo- For Shame!
For not seeing "Boheme"
Or you'd have known Violetta would die
For that dry hacking cough
Should have quick tipped you off
From consumptive Tuberculars-to Fly!
Act Six: An Aside
(Traviata's Alfredo together with Boheme's Rodolfo)
I can just see these two
They're both coughing with Flu
In a Ward for Consumptive Old Men
They're both dying to sing
But their "C"'s lost its ping
And their Passagio's loaded with Phlegm!
Act Seven: Rigoletto
All "La Donne" are fickle
Sings the Duke-in a pickle
While Gilda sets court tongues to wag
'Cause of dad Rigoletto
Gets stuck with Stiletto
And finally goes home in a bag.....(all jerks are not tenors)
Act Eight: Tosca
Then Mario with his "Colouria"
Paints Tosca - his Floria
Then she stabs snide Scarpia to sleep
She spots cross and candles
At his feet and his ankles
Gets Mario shot- then takes a leap!
Act Nine: Pagliacci
And Canio, the clown
Lets his wife get him down
Who with Silvio lasciviously sparked
He cries out his "Vesti"
'Cause that made him testy
And stabs the bitch deep in her heart!
Act Ten: Cavalleria Rusticana
Now Turiddu-the dope-
Gives Santuzza no hope
And sleeps with another man's wife
Now-he knew she was wed
But Mama's Wine went to his head
So he got stabbed with Alfio's knife.
This moral I give
In Recitative
Is ne'er a Soprano to woo
She's flighty or sick
And she dies double-quick
And in her demise, she takes you.
Or if you don't die
There's a tear in your eye
For that "Donna" you once held so dear
That "Prima" you chose
Who was sweet as a Rose
And you cry-'cause she's no longer here.
The Tenor's a Jerk
In most Opera Works
He screamingly sings in High "C"
Serenading some girl
He gets caught in the whirl
And sometimes that Tenor is Me........
Curtain down only to rise again for:
The Tenor's A Jerk, Part II
The Tenor is not alone
Little known Jerks-from lesser known works:
Take Samson so strong
Who wows the crowd with his brawn
While to Delilah-he's meek as a mouse
He Hollers "No Fair"
When she lops off his hair
And then blindly he brings down the House.
A Grail Knight of the Swan
Champions Elsa of Brabant
And the chorus sings "Here Comes the Bride"
He tells her: "For Shame"
For asking his name
And to Montsalvat homeward he glides.
To Manrico: "Life's a Bitch"
Being raised by a witch
While Azcucena dreams of mountains instead
He saves her from burning
Sings Leonora his yearning
And in the end-he loses his head.
From a large sulphorous cloud
Mephisto chortles out loud
At old Faust who bargains for Youth
He finds someone sweeter
In fair Marguerite-r
And vanishes at last in a "Poof".
Turandot plays her game
Of "What is His Name?"
And threatens Calaf with demise
He tries his three guesses
And is answered with "Yesses"
And she ends up by being his bride.......a happy one finally.
The Flying Dutchman
The Dutchman finds Land
Home of Captain Dalande
And falls in love with Senta, his daughter.
She takes on the role
Of saving his soul
And jumps in Ten Fathoms of water.
Now Lucia goes mad
Wearing gay Tartan Plaid
While her brother espouses a mate
Though in love with his foe
Clan Ravenswood's Edgardo
Death is her sad final fate.
The High Priestess of the Moon
Faints away in a swoon
When she finds Pollione untrue
They both mount to the pyre
And are consumed in the fire
Leaving Adalgisa behind to "Boo-Hoo".
Now Gioconda-she smiles
And fends off the wiles
Of Barnaba-while on Cieca she dotes
Though her Enzo loves Laura
She saves him just for her
And stabs herself.....and that's all she wrote!
Jeff...As you can see by some of the preceding, Opera is peopled with improbable scenarios, plots, turnings and endings. But, without them, where would Opera be?
It is an impossible, improbable art form that has survived for over 200 years, and, I hope, will survive another 200....On With the Show... Send in the Clowns...etc, etc, etc.
Hope you enjoy
Dan Lawlor in Delmar
(Utility Tenor)